When once the floodgates crack open, there are two options.
First, try to close the gates again, force the doors back together and put another lock on the gates to stop it from happening again. So you let out a little water, it can’t possibly be that bad. Even though it burns like acid on your raw hands and stops your heart cold with the shock, you can deal with it, you’ve dealt with it before. Just walk away from the gate and NEVER try to open it again.
But there is a second option: let it flow.
What does that even feel like? I’m only beginning to know…at first it was relieving to see the pent-up waters come splashing down, watch the swell explode as it came groaning and screeching out at last, as if gasping for the air so long denied it. But all those waters had to go somewhere…and they’re out for vengeance.
God, it burns so bad. And the shock, I can’t believe my heart is still beating. Barely.
Once you get what you thought were the big things off your chest, suddenly all the little things crop up and gain force in the light of new understanding.
How can I speak of these things, the secrets, the darkness I’ve held inside for so long, the darkness that colors my entire existence? I want to let it go, but that means I have to talk about it…I have to speak about the things I’m most ashamed of, the things I swore I would carry to my grave. How can I? I can’t. I surely can’t.
But I have to. I have to try, even though every time I’ve tried before has failed. I have to trust, even though my trust has been broken more times than I care to count. I have to try to empty my heart.
God, I’m trembling so much.
But I will speak. I’ve choked on my own story too long. I’ve got to force myself, even if it comes all comes spewing out uncontrollably, taking my lungs and my heart with it.
I need to be free, damn it. I can’t keep living like this.
So bring the burn. Bring the breakdown. Bring the whole damn package down on my head at once.
How do I even bring it up…there’s not even time to think about it. I won’t. But the time will come–it just has to–when I can say it. I have to.