It’s so incredibly dry here…so very dry…
I thirst, I thirst, I thirst so desperately.
And yet, and yet it should be quenched. Satisfied. Why isn’t it enough already? I just want to be filled.
Why can’t I be ok? Why is it never enough?
“I love being with you.” “You’re a great friend.” “No, you’re not a bother.” When will I actually believe this is true?
I guess I’ve just been trying too hard. All my life I’ve tried too hard. I’ve been searching for love from others and yet…even when I’ve received it…somehow it hasn’t been…
No, that’s not true. IT CAN’T BE TRUE. People have been kind to me many times. I have such good friends.
So why don’t I believe it?
There was a time “friendship” was a foreign term…I was utterly alone in the world…I told myself I didn’t mind the void, that I could get by just fine. But oh, how very wrong I was, how incredibly wrong. My soul has longed for friendship every moment since that awful day I shut myself off from humanity. I’ve come back out, and yet my heart won’t allow me to believe. It’s not so much that I won’t let love in; it’s just that…I guess I believe I’m not worthy of it, that I can’t possibly be loved.
Somehow, I guess it’s redirected me…to the incredible intimacy of the love of God…to the gentle arms of Mary carrying me in her mantle to the heart of Christ…
And now that I’ve begun to move closer to Him, it’s easier to see the way out of this desert.
There are lapses, though…times when I think that cool relief was just a mirage, and I’m stuck here, with my mind fooling me, until the oppressive heat smothers me or the poisonous sands bury me.
And yet…I think I see the way out. But oh, it will be long, it will be painful. I stand on a precipice, and the only hope is that when I jump, the wind will carry me to the other side. There’s no promise that I won’t fall awhile, no promise I won’t rise and fall again and again, no promise I won’t get tantalizingly close only to be thrown back awhile.
There is only one promise: HE WILL CATCH ME.
The time for “maybe” and “what if” is past.
It’s time to leap.