Once

I once had a very dear friend.

A single sentence…how completely it sums it all up, this sudden pang of melancholic nostalgia.

Have you ever had it happen? You pause a moment to look through a bundle of old letters, or scroll down a list of old messages, and suddenly you see it, that one name you’ve been trying forever to get out of your head. You see the face, and everything stops.

Have you felt it? Once the smoke from the initial explosion of shock clears, the battle you thought you won stirs again, and burning bitterness fights with immense longing, leaving you…melancholy. Not really sad, but not all that happy either.

Have you known it? There’s a pit in the stomach, one you wish would stop coming back, because you thought you finally beat it.

A very dear friend. And as often as I told him, I wonder if he knows it.

You want him to remember, and yet you want to forget. Because at some point, he forgot you, and things stopped mattering for awhile.

And so, you know you have to learn to let go, to put the name in its place. You have to tell yourself, again and again, “No more. No more.” You have to remember the good and the bad together, but not too often. You have to teach your mind to remember him and your heart to let him go. You need to remind yourself what friendship means, and where it ends.

I once had a very dear friend.

And now…

God, give me courage.

Posted on August 22, 2013, in Insights and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. There’s an open hearth and a glass of something waiting for you here.

  2. I know that exact feel, bro. It really sucks. You can do this, though! I’m praying for you! ❤

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