Please understand this is just me spouting off what’s in my head; there’s no message here, no insight. Just letting the screaming in my head out onto the page for once.
I guess it shouldn’t surprise me anymore. It’s not as if there’s no precedence. It would just be nice not to have every single time suck so much.
He never even intentionally hurt me, it’s not as if he really abandoned me. So why do I feel so rejected, so torn to shreds, in his presence?
Because I opened my heart to him. He was the first, the only person I ever told. I opened my inner life to him in a way I’d never opened it to anyone else, and still haven’t to this day. And yet we haven’t spoken in over a year. It’s like he took this simple trunk of memories and dreams and left it to collect dust in a corner.
I know I’m not much, I know I suck, it’s not news to me. It’s just not particularly pleasant to have it affirmed. Because as much as I KNOW it’s not true, I can’t BELIEVE it’s not true. The head is quick to reason; the heart is slow to understand.
It’s not as if I hide my inmost self; I just don’t advertise it. If you want to get to know me, you will.
But no one really wants to.
I’m a great listener, to be sure. I’m a great confidant, an excellent counselor, a wonderful adviser. But a plain, honest, true friend–someone please tell me where I can find someone who wants just a friend like me.
Then tell me how to believe that this person didn’t mean to hurt me, that he never meant to leave me this way, that he means it when he calls me a friend.
Maybe then I could believe I’m loved again.