There’s nothing quite like letting the wind blow in your face, drowning out all the sound except for the music blasting from your car speakers as you cruise down the highway. The music has a way of drowning out your thoughts, and the wind whisks away the angsty residue.
At least that’s what I tell myself is the reason; maybe it’s just because it helps me forget, like Rumpelstiltskin watching his wheel turn as it spins out threads of gold.
I’m not entirely sure what it is that I’m trying so hard to forget; there’s too many variables in this equation so vaguely termed “My Life”.
I suppose I should expect to feel pulled out of myself and out of any understanding. Between starting college, finding friendships, struggling to break old patterns of behavior, and now putting myself out of my comfort zone completely, I haven’t exactly been easy on myself, and I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that God is choosing this time to make my prayer life frustrating.
See, I don’t like what I can’t understand, which is why I’ve never liked myself. Now, though, it’s like I can’t understand anything. By following what I think God wants for me, I’ve found myself led into an incomprehensible mist of sorts; more than anything else, I just feel confused, hazy, even numb. Until now, I’ve felt stretched to the breaking point; now, it’s like I’m in that split second between the snap and the pain of the break. Except it’s much longer than a split second.
I’ve been broken before. But not like this. I can’t understand it.
And I don’t like it.
Except maybe I have an inkling…
I’ve heard it said that we’re like glass pitchers, and the love of God is the liquid within us. As we are, we ration out His love however we please.
But when we’re broken, God’s love can’t help but pour out everywhere.
So I guess I understand more than I thought, and the thought gives me comfort, even if it shows me that I’m right about to hit the next break. I guess it’s just a matter of trust, of bravery I’ve never believed I could be capable of. Maybe if I could believe that I’m loved, if I could love myself, it wouldn’t be so much a question of struggling as just…waiting. Waiting to understand. And living, going on, smiling not necessarily because I’m happy but simply because life is beautiful and God is good.
So be it.
With the strength of He who gives and takes away, I say to the world…